The Unspiritual Side of Me

Posted: May 19, 2011 in Uncategorized

Disclaimer:

This is going to be very unspiritual for me to share but I’m not sure what else to do. Sharing my thoughts is how I get things out of my head and how I get rid of my hurt, disappointment, or anger. Or on a happier note, how I share the good things in my life.  So, with that said, I am sorry if this offends anyone. If you are looking or wanting something encouraging and upbeat from me, or if that is what you are expecting from me, please read a blog from a different day. 

The last couple of months, oh four or five, have really been a struggle for me both spiritually and emotionally. It all started when I was told I had to make a choice between a ministry that I loved and had a paid position in or an ear piercing. Yes, you read that right. Choose between a ministry that dealt with inner city youth and children of inmates or an ear piercing. Sounds crazy, right? Well, just hang on, it gets better. I’m a firm believer and if God calls you to someplace, you better get going. Nothing should get in the way of God’s direction. Because this is how my Jesus works, I was willing to take out a silly ear piercing if it meant that someone was going to see the love of Jesus. But then I began to think about it and the person that put this proposition in front of me kept on talking. I though to myself, self, would Jesus really even care if I had an ear piercing? He says to be all things to all people. He says to love Him with all of your heart, soul, and mind, and to follow Him. He doesn’t say follow me except all those that have ear piercings, or follow me only if… Anyway, this person kept on talking and this is what they said almost word for word. This is what made me realize I no longer WANTED to be a part of their organization. “I really don’t think you have any idea what true love is. You have no idea. I don’t think anyone has ever shown you an example of what true love does.” Wait, time out, what true love does? Seriously? I thought to myself again, self, if this is what your example of true love is, then I need no part of it. … Last time I checked, Jesus is, was, and will always be the example of true love. No greater love does one have for another than the one that will lay his life down for a friend. Oh, to be called Jesus’ friend. How unworthy am I? I believe in Jesus. He is my savior, he is my best friend, and He hasn’t left me since the day I decided to follow Him. Because, and only because I know Him, I know true love. … So I left there with a broken spirit knowing that four years of building trust, relationships, and friendships with students who for some, had began to realize there was Hope in the world, was gone. The only consist thing in their lives was people of the world walking out on them, and I had just done the same. So, I came home to a family that loves me and a church family that I grew so close to when I was there as an older teenager and in my very early 20s.

Let me tell you about this church. I got saved there, got discipled there, did my first ministry there, and had my first internship there. They supported me and my ministry while I was away. After being gone for several years I was excited to see some old familiar faces, along with plenty of new ones to learn. It was nice to be back at a place where people knew me and at a place where I felt liked I belonged. But something changed. I couldn’t find a place to get plugged in. The things I had done before had been filled by others, which is awesome. I’m no longer a teenager so youth was out, at least on a learning level. Most of the adults are either married or way older than me. I felt like every time I walked in the door someone was going to ask me why I was back or wanted to know what happened and I just wasn’t willing or ready to talk about it. Instead of walking back into a place that used to be so encouraging and supportive in my late teens and early 20 life seemed to be judgmental and hurtful. I have said several times to several different people, hey can we talk, or hey can we get together sometime. I need someone to help me with what just happened and to pray about it with me. It’s hard to go from being a front-runner in a ministry to, well, sitting on the sidelines. I’ve said I want to get plugged in and get back involved here, I just don’t know how. And, this is what I was met with. One person I was close to openly making fun of me for something that happened years ago knowing that it bothers me when they do it. Someone else who shared in a group setting that if others hadn’t reached out to me she wouldn’t have bothered to talk to me when I was a teenager because she didn’t like me, and the last one is where I threw up my hands and said I give up. One past plea, or request to talk with someone and I was told that the only reason I called them was to tell them how lacking they were and that I took up too much of their time. Oh, I’m sorry. I forgot I don’t have any problems. I don’t have any questions running thru my head. These were all Christian people who I looked up to in my life, now I need your help, and I take up too much of your time? Really? I bet if you wanted me to do something I wouldn’t have been taking up too much time. Now don’t get me wrong. There are still good people at this place. People that I love and people I am excited to see. And I still love the people who have hurt me either knowingly or unknowingly.I was just surprised that I ran into these things. And I know that the only constant in any of this is me. I have no problem saying I am not perfect, I make mistakes, I let people down and make people mad. So maybe, just maybe, I am the problem here. But they were all just a cry for communication. And I think somehow I became invisible.

So, there are a few highlights of my last couple of months. Not to mention moving states, not being able to find a job with a college degree, and missing my friends baby shower and birth because of the lack of funding that I promised I would be at.  Some good stuff has happened as well though. God blessed me with a car that was free. I did finally get a job to help pay on bills while looking for the next step. I have a roof over my head and food on the table. Oh, and I got to go to the Goo Goo Dolls concert…for free 🙂 .

I feel much better now that I got all of this out of my head. It is done and over with. I am over it all. Time to move on.

I love my Jesus. He washed my sins white as snow. Even though I feel alone right now, I know He hasn’t changed. I know He will pull me out of this. I know He will put the right people in my life at the right time. I will finish the good fight, even if I have to finish it alone. My Jesus doesn’t judge, my Jesus doesn’t make fun, and my Jesus always, always has time. I pray I can forgive, I pray I can look beyond the here and now. Jesus remind me that my views are only a piece of the masterpiece that God has already painted and completed just for me.

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